5. Come In
Many of us have already discovered this the hard way, but when someone knocks on the door, go through the trouble of walking over and opening it. Even if you know who’s there, don’t call out an invitation to open the door. Otherwise you may come out of the shower one afternoon to find a stranger in the livingroom who your parrot was kind enough to invite to “come in.”
4. Oh baby!
Don’t keep the parrot too close to the bedroom. Even if you’ve seemed to have been safe so far, don’t forget that your parrot probably spends time when your gone working on his new repertoire. Your neighbors might be wondering if your filming “movies” in your home.
3. &%$* or @#(^
Or any variation of four letter foulness. Don’t let your teenagers teach your parrot to curse either. Trust me, the novelty wears out, especially if your mother-in-law is a frequent dinner guest.
2. I’m gonna kill you.
Or anything else that might encourage your neighbors to call Child Protective Services. You might find yourself in the same kind of trouble as this woman who tweeted that she was going to smother her child.
1. I love you (insert illicit lovers name here)
If you’re going to have an affair, don’t have it near the parrot. It’s best not to cheat on your spouse in general, but don’t trust your parrot to keep your secrets. If you don’t believe me, ask Suzy about keeping Gary on the side.